[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
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met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock