Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.