When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
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3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping