Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

JERY: Maybe you can just go back

TERESA MAY: go back ?

JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.

MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?

JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously