When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
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All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
No, you’re not getting it your honor
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.