When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
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If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me