When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
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Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Me as a therapist: omg same
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.