Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?