When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
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Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
