When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
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My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
wow
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
What a year we’ve had this week.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Mapping America’s Far Right
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
