Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

ㅤㅤ

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

the composer

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about