When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
You Might Also Like
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
⚠️ Important Reminder:
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there