When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
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My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.