When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
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My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo