When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
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Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
just gave your address to some spiders
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime