When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
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I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Owl Sanctuary
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.