Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

Oceanography is all about current events

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

Siri, fight Alexa.

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?