When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
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[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
happy valentine’s day to me
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.