When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
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My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.