Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”

~ now I’m scared

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.