Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

Kids forever killing vibes 💀

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.