Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.

Me: I can’t wait!

RM: You’re fired.

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.