when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
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Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
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🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.