When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
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Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Hilarious if literal: arms race
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already