Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

Follow me for more life hacks.

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.

*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 2 hours.
Cheers🍷

Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus