Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.