When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
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Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney