When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
You Might Also Like
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I love snow
– People who never shovel
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
