When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
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it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*