When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
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what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
My patience has stretch marks.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.