When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
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I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”