When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
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Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.