When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
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Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Tier 3 meme
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.