When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
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When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
so weird how every mom was born today
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I love the National Park Service.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET