When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
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My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.