When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
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Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
This is enough internet for the day.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you canât do that in here
Me: Itâs ok, Iâm gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You canât ride a pony in here
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I hacked into my wifeâs computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
One manâs trash is another manâs problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighborâs yard.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
đ
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one âHiâ text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Welcome to adulthood: youâre not hungover itâs just Tuesday.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.