When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
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Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
🙂🙃🥹
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Velcrow
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?