When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
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Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?