When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
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me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
can’t bark with your mouth full
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma