When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
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Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.