When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
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A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
selena gomez
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.