When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
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Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Stop it! 😂
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
just left a huge legacy in there
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things