When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
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I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?