When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
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men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant