When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
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If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
It’s an epidemic…
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.