When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
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I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
gm
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother