Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

Social distancing in Australia:

I put the h in mysterious.

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

Most fashion shows these days…

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it