When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
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Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.