Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

Person: Home decor is a niche market.

Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

I cannot stop laughing at this

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?

DAD: Wouldn’t be fair

SON: Why not?

DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after

“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

6YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…