When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
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*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?