When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
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Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Let’s Go
