when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
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My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I bet birds love this building.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
lol
