when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
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I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
this is me
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.