when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
You Might Also Like
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I’m not lazy
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo