When you’re here for the treats.
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Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.