When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
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Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
be safe out there!
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me