Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

Bread puns are on the rise!

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?

Her: it’s onomatopoeia.

Me: on what mat up there?

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?