Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was

all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

me: god I need a break from work

God: [creates pandemic]

me: not like that

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.