Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
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College is cool because you get to pick what time your classes are and then still not go
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[Misses the bus with my dear friend Alanis Morrissette]
ALANIS: Ugh, this is like rain on your wedding day
ME: That’s still not ironic
ALANIS: It’s like painting a small elephant
ME: Nope, that’s not a thing
ALANIS: It’s like 74 when 349
ME: Are you even trying anymore
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
“How’s your day going?”