When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

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Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*


College is cool because you get to pick what time your classes are and then still not go


[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.


An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End


If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.


Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.


Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.


[Misses the bus with my dear friend Alanis Morrissette]

ALANIS: Ugh, this is like rain on your wedding day

ME: That’s still not ironic

ALANIS: It’s like painting a small elephant

ME: Nope, that’s not a thing

ALANIS: It’s like 74 when 349

ME: Are you even trying anymore


[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say