When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
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Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
dictator is short for richard potato
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.