when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
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Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.