when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
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whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?