when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
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Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Finally
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.