when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
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Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
even bears disappoint their mothers
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
How does one answer this?
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
*puts cutlery down*
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it