When you’re Kinky but poor
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When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.