When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
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count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Grow up never but we old may grow we
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires