Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed