When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
