When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
