When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
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I’m giving up for Lent.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
accurate
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?