When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
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Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
ME: and the hell, is it fresh?
2025: oh yes, the freshest
ME: wonderful, and is that my…
2025: your handbasket, yes
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
That de-escalated quickly
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”