When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
You Might Also Like
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.